Newsletter - April 23, 2025
Practice based considerations about neurodiversity and inclusion
Today, I want to share some reflections from the last few weeks—weeks that have reaffirmed why I do this work and why these conversations are so important.
For over 25 years, I’ve worked alongside parents, educators, researchers, professionals and individuals with what I call complicated and beautiful brains—people living with complex mental health conditions, trauma histories, and neurodevelopmental disabilities like FASD. Many of them have experienced family disruptions, multiple placements, and deep struggles with feeling understood.
I have read a lot, written quite a bit, but the most profound learning has come directly from the individuals and families I support. I need to say 'thanks' to all who have trusted me to support their journey. '
The Role of Research AND Living Experience
I deeply value research and I participate directly when I can. In fact, I'm sitting here editing this newsletter right now from Seattle Washington at the FASD United International Research Conference! I read countless journal articles, attend every training I can, and have written books based on evidence-based practice. But sometimes, it is my experience and humble view that research has legitimate limitations, and in spite of the best intention, we can miss the human reality of what’s happening in people’s day-to-day lives.
This brings me to a conversation that has been stirring a lot of emotions—conversations around equity and inclusion.
I think we all agree: Everyone deserves access to opportunities that match their capabilities and strengths. But in our efforts to promote inclusion, I think we sometimes send messages that are short-sighted, unrealistic, and in some cases, even harmful. We need to be really cautious about leading people to believe that they can do whatever they want to do and will be welcomed in every space.
I’m a firm believer in affirmations and encouragement, but not at the expense of honesty. Some things in life are just hard and harder for some than others and needs/wants are different. No matter how hard we work.... we cannot realistically be 'anything we want to be' and we do appreciate hanging out with people who share commonalities. And...some conditions come with real limitations that can’t be ignored. And while mindset shifts, therapy, and support systems can drastically improve outcomes, we have to be realistic about what "success" looks like for each individual. It is different for all of us with or without a recognized diagnosable condition. And we all are not suitable for all things, jobs, recreation, education, hobbies, etc. That is o.k.
The Reality of Living with a Neurodevelopmental Disability
Stigma adds such a heavy level of difficulty for people with living with actual and perceived 'differences'. There is no doubt. And...even with acceptance, support and diagnostic clarity, and reduced or no stigma, the symptoms are challenging, and there is no getting around that. Some conditions are really complex and are on a spectrum. The emotional dysregulation, pain, relentless mental health challenges can present real barriers. I hear things like this all the time from people I work with.
“I love my family, I know they support me, but I still feel different.”
“When I go to family functions, I see doctors, engineers, and bankers, and I’m struggling to hold a labourer position. They are very nice to me... I like them... but really.... what do I have in common with them?”
“I’m only here in therapy because my parents deserve better ... they don't deserve the way I speak to them and the way I treat them... They deserve better than what I’m able to give them.”
"It's my brain!!! ... and my body... I just can't control my body."
And another element to consider, is that many of the individuals I support know their condition could have been preventable had the circumstances been different. Although I support acceptance and healing and to reduce the stigma and the blame and shame... People come with their own opinions and understanding.
They loudly resent the fact that more isn’t being done to prevent others from experiencing what they live with daily.
Yet.. there is risk when we focus on these challenges to people living with this condition and I understand that. I know of many people with FASD that live beautiful, creative, compassionate and meaningful lives. There are lots of strengths that do need to be celebrated... And... This is where overly positive messaging can feel dismissive, and invalidating.
Phrases like “FASD is my superpower” don’t always sit well with some who are struggling. This is practice-based evidence.
Yes, as mentioned earlier, many individuals with FASD and other neurodevelopmental conditions have incredible strengths—they are kind, loving, intuitive, hardworking, and incredibly resilient. But they also face:
Severe executive functioning challenges
Impulsivity and reactivity that can feel out of their control
Social misunderstandings that make relationships difficult
Sensory processing challenges that can turn small irritations into overwhelming stressors
I’ve had multiple people tell me:
“I don’t remember trashing that classroom. They said I did it, but I didn't believe them”
“I know I said those things, but I didn’t mean them like that.”
“Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities because I don’t understand my own reactions.”
So for some.. this isn’t a superpower. This is a challenge that requires understanding and support, not slogans.
The Struggle with Self-Perception
One of the biggest challenges for individuals with FASD and complex mental health conditions is understanding their own thoughts and behaviours.
Many experience intrusive thoughts that don’t align with their character. Like many of us, we tend to identify with out thoughts and judge ourselves harshly. If we think it, we must mean it.. it must be who we are. When people experience the impact of prenatal alcohol/substance exposure, it is even more difficult to detach from their thoughts. So unfortunately, they hear their own minds say things that shock them, leading to deep shame and self-doubt. They also tend to ruminate about these thoughts which can be really really hard and consequential. I like to refer to them as symptoms of a brain based condition rather than indication of character.
Some internalize these thoughts, believing they must be bad people.
Others externalize them, feeling like they are being controlled by something outside of themselves.
I recently had a session where I asked someone:
“When you get a cold and can’t stop coughing, is that your fault?”
Of course not—it’s a symptom.
“So when you overthink/ruminate and or get dysregulated and react in ways that don’t align with your values, is that your fault?”
At that moment, I could see a weight lift off their shoulders as they realized—this is a symptom, not a reflection of who I am.
True Inclusion Means Meeting People Where They Are... not where we think they should be.
So where does that leave us?
It means that real inclusion is value and strength based. It means celebrating and nurturing strengths and interests; but not necessarily misleading or invalidating vulnerable people by referring to a developmental disability as a superpowers. They may have real gifts that can be viewed as a 'superpower', but the overall condition is more than that and support and inclusion can be different.
It’s about:
✅ Recognizing and validating the real struggles individuals face
✅ Creating environments where people can access the supports they need to thrive
✅ Helping individuals develop self-compassion and self-awareness
✅ Encouraging strengths while acknowledging limitations in a way that isn’t patronizing
We all have strengths.
We all have challenges.
But we need to stop minimizing the very real difficulties that some people face just to make inclusion sound more appealing.
The best way we can truly support people is to listen, validate, and provide the right kinds of help—not just feel good messaging and affirmations.
Final Thoughts
This week, I was reminded—I’m exactly where I need to be, doing what I’m meant to do.
And my biggest takeaway?
🌱 Validating struggles while highlighting strengths is the key to real empowerment.
🌱 Promoting self-compassion—not forced positivity—creates lasting change.
🌱 Recognizing symptoms for what they are helps people break free from shame.
Let’s keep these conversations going—at home, in our communities, and at every level where real change can happen.
Warmly,
Angela, and our team.